Dis-a-(p)point-ment

“Disappointment” is a soft word we sometimes use to describe hard experience.

When we are angry at or frustrated with someone or something, but anxious about expressing our real feelings, “disappointment” may be all we can safely say–or all we will allow ourselves to say–to others and to ourselves.

Our culture urges us to express our feelings honestly and publicly, and honesty in expression of feelings is often appropriate and even redemptive. But the unbridled spilling of every emotion creates barriers that may be harder to overcome than if we had started by expressing disappointment and encouraged the conversation to go on from there.

Diplomats, labor negotiators, and politicians use “disappointing” to describe failed attempts to resolve differences and heal divisions. No matter how heated the words that crossed the table between them and their adversary, or what was said when they gathered with their own team to review the situation, “disappointing” takes care of it in public without revealing too much. When they stand in front of cameras to report on their last session together, “disappointing” conveys their feelings while leaving a door open to the next round.

A “point” is a place; to “appoint” is to direct attention or work toward that place; to “disappoint” is not to get to that place. There are many ways for things to go wrong that result in disappointment: the “point” is not understood or agreed upon; the way to get to it is unclear, either by design or error; one or the other of the parties has no real desire to get to that place despite statements to the contrary; one or both of the parties involved does not clearly understand their own goals.

When things fall apart–do not go as one or the other or both expected–there may well be anger or frustration. The more important the issue and the more emotionally-involved the participants, the stronger the anger and the greater the frustration. But when the stakes are too high to give up trying, the more important it is that “disappointing” be used to describe how it felt to miss the point.

We cannot be disappointed unless we are working toward something, either within ourselves or with others. People with no hope for the future don’t know disappointment, or when they do it is after they realize it is too late for them to do anything to change the outcome. I recently watched some ants carrying little bits of green leaves across a wilderness of last season’s mulch and fallen pine needles. They were working very hard, probably on their way to a particular place. But I doubt they were conscious of where they were going in the way we would be, or that other ants knew they were carrying their cargos to them. I doubt that ants know disappointment, though they may experience something like anger or frustration, even without naming them. Disappointment depends upon awareness of time, and from what I know we humans are the only animals who quantify time.

One of the dangers of telling someone you are disappointed in them is that it can be manipulative to do so. To express disappointment can be an oblique way of laying the blame on them without owning up to your part in it; after all, your expectations of them were absolutely pure and clear, and they should have known that and tried harder to please you! Parents can misuse “disappointment” in this way, and often do.

Our most painful disappointments can be with ourselves. When I cannot do something I think I should be able to do, I easily flame out in anger and frustration. I get mad both because of what I could not do and because of how I reacted to not being able to do it, and either give up trying or let my anger sabotage my trying. But instead of beating up on myself for my perceived failures of personal behavior or habit, I’d do better to acknowledge my disappointment with myself in this situation, figure out what I need to do differently (even asking for help!), and give it another go.

Perhaps a judicious willingness to call ourselves disappointed with ourselves and in our relations with others would more frequently set us a path toward resolving what angers or frustrates us. It is better than pummeling ourselves or others in anger or giving in entirely to frustration. It is always worth trying.