The Executive Director of Freedom to Love All Bombs (FLAB) last night called last week’s Senate procedural defeat of a bill to limit the availability of bombs “a great victory for freedom-loving Americans, and a resounding affirmation of the sacred inspiration of the Second Amendment.”
Seated in his office surrounded by guards wearing backpacks, Flame LaPeeair expressed special appreciation to the 41 Senators who voted against the measure. Their votes prevent the Senate from voting on the measure itself, though many polls show a large majority of Americans supported it.
“Isn’t democracy great?” LaPeeair asked. “We have proven, once again, that FLAB’s money and threats are effective in Washington. We will continue the fight to assure that the God-ordained, constitutionally-protected, and down-right pleasurable right of all Americans to keep bombs in their homes and carry them on their persons is never compromised.”
As if to demonstrate his organization’s increasing power, LaPeeair asked one of the guards to show the audience of reporters the contents of his backpack: a pressure-cooker with ball bearings rolling around inside. Some circuitry was attached, but it was covered with a red bandana. Kevin O’Brien, a member of the editorial staff of the dying Cleveland Plain Dealer, reached out and began to caress the pressure cooker with his finger tips, but the guard quickly slapped his hand away. Fox news reporters also tried get close to the presumed bomb, while those from NPR were seen to draw back a little. One Fox photographer was overheard to comment that NPR obviously didn’t understand the power of FLAB in Congress.
LaPeeair outlined next goals for the group: to work closely with the National Rifle Association (NRA) to extend the concealed carry laws that are now in effect in many states to include bombs; to seek legislation to allow passengers to board airplanes with bombs; and to make it illegal to teach dogs to sniff out bombs. “The only person who can stop a bad guy with a bomb is a good guy with a bigger bomb,” he asserted (again). “Imagine what would have happened at the Boston Marathon if everyone in that crowd had had a bomb.”
“All of this future work will take a lot of money and effort,” he commented. “But freedom-loving Americans know that the Second Amendment’s protection of the right to keep and bear arms means we all have a right to all the bombs we want.” He went on to ask with a smirk: “How else will we protect ourselves from the likes of ‘O-Bomb-A’?”
One reporter started to ask more about the Boston Marathon. But LePeeair was already on his way out of the room; an aid mumbled something about how FLAB takes neither questions nor prisoners.
An unnamed source told this reporter that FLAB’s staff was on his way to a victory party with leading Republicans, where an opening prayer to gentle Jesus (meek and mild) would be followed by a display of mass weaponry. Enormous amounts of tea were said to be the partiers’ drink of choice.
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