He’s still actually running for re-election, maybe

Some of my readers—well, nearly all of you probably—may be feeling a bit nervous that our current president may try to subvert the November election, either by claiming voter fraud or by posting his newly-formed military-type force at the polls to make sure we all “vote right.”

I have good news for you: he is still trying to win by getting more votes that Joe Biden gets.

How do I know?

Because his campaign keeps emailing me appeals to give to help him win.

Yes, our current president’s re-election campaign continues to fill my [spam/suspect] inboxes with appeals for a contribution, until recently beginning at $42 and going up from there. In exchange for my generosity, I could receive everything from a new-style MAGA cap, to an iconic yard poster, to a chance to have my gift somehow multiplied 500%, to an opportunity to be chosen by the current president himself to get my way paid to the Republican National Convention!

I was almost hooked by an email from the current president’s son (“POTUS, Jr.”) a couple of days after that RNC-raffle invite. The email’s subject line whined, plaintively, Why are you ignoring my father? and went on to remind me that You haven’t sent in your $42 yet.”

A couple of days later, Eric Trump, apparently knowing I still hadn’t given, emailed me that You can do better. And Lara Trump then reminded me I was in danger of missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

The man himself asked me in an email last week, What are you doing in August?

(Not going to Florida, that’s for sure.)

All of these appeals are extremely personal. They claim that our current president knows that I, Keith Dean Myers, am one of his most loyal supporters, that I helped him get elected in 2016, and that he longs to see that I have given to his current campaign. In fact, the first thing he does every morning when he gets to the Oval Office is to look to find my name on the list of those who’ve donated in the last 24 hours. I am relieved that he has his official priorities straight.

But Sunday’s email revealed an interesting development. It offered me an OFFICIAL 2020 (INSERT OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT’S NAME HERE) PLATINUM MEMBERSHIP! Just another appeal, I thought. Then I scrolled down to see that the threshold giving amount has been reduced to $35.

This presidency is not only for sale, it’s on sale.

I am, of course, deeply moved by all of this personal attention from the most powerful political leader in the world. It makes me feel that somehow, in some strange way, I might matter in the whole scheme of things, that I have value.

Then I remember that he is just using me. As he uses everyone he can get his big (!) hands on.

Vote for Joe.