Unlikely Dialogue

(telephone rings)

Mr. Richard MacMillan: Hello

(silence)

Mac: Hello

(silence, click, pause)

Voice on other end of line: May I speak to Mr. Richard MacMillan, please.

Mac: You've got him. Who's calling?

Voice: I am calling from Prove What You Want Research Associates to ask you a few questions. This is not a sales call. It will only take ten minutes, and you will be eligible to win a $25 Amazon gift card simply for participating in this survey. May I begin?

Mac: Not interested...

Voice: But sir, you should be interested. Here is your opportunity to take part in the great American democratic process (small "d", of course), and to make a contribution to building our economy and creating jobs, all in ten, short minutes. And then, there's that Amazon gift card...

Mac: I am not interested...

Voice: Please...I need you to be interested. This is my 456th call today, Mr. MacMillan, and not one person has taken the survey or received the gift card. I am sure you would like to be first to do your patriotic duty, and to help me keep my job as well. Please, please, let me ask you these silly questions. I know, they're designed to get the answers Prove What You Want is being paid to get. But I can tell you are a just man, not wanting to be the cause of little old me losing her job. Besides, I can tell you’re a man with a sense of humor. Please, O please, play along with me. What have you got to lose?

Mac: Besides my sanity? Well, OK, you win; fire away.

Voice: Thank you, O thank you. You won't regret a minute of these ten.

Mac: Humph!

Voice: All-righty; here's number 1: Which robocall would you rather receive after midnight: one from Rachel concerning your gas bill, or one from the Captain offering you a really cheap Caribbean cruise?

Mac: Ehh...neither? I don't want either call any time, especially not after midnight.

Voice: Oh, I am so sorry, Mr. MacMillan–”neither" is not an acceptable answer. This is a forced choice kind of test...well, except it's not a test, you know. It's a survey to find out your preferences. So, which would it be?

Mac: Well actually, it's still neither. But given the choices, in the middle of the night I'd rather hear about a cruise than about gas...though I did kind of like the sound of Rachel's voice.

Voice: Good; then you'd like to be robocalled about a really cheap Caribbean cruise after midnight...

Mac: Well, not really...

Voice: On to question number 2: On a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 means "sometimes a little tiny bit annoyed" and 5 means "this is more fun than sex"...on that scale, how do you feel about robocalls when you get them?

Mac: That's my range of choices–from "a little bit annoyed" to "more fun than sex"? I hate robocalls, hate them all more than I hate boiled turnips.

Voice: Oh, Mr. MacMillan, you have such a way with words! But surely you cannot indiscriminately hate them all. Perhaps your extreme reaction has something to do with your relationship to your mother. Have you considered that?

Mac: My "relationship to my mother"? Where do you get off at? What kind of a survey is this...is this some kind of a psychological assessment or something?

Voice: Well, yes, actually it is. We want to know what various kinds of robocalls do for your sex life when you get them after midnight. Judging from your responses so far, the answer is, "they do wonders."

Mac: Oh, for Christ's sake. I've had enough. I'm hanging up.

Voice: Not so fast, Mr. MacMillan. In order to get your Amazon gift card, you need to answer three more questions. I will say that they are for statistical purposes only, because that's what this coffee-stained cheat sheet says I am supposed to say, but (her voice getting softer and more seductive) you should also know I am looking for a man...

Mac: A man?

Voice: A man...so just answer the questions if you know what's good for you...if you know what I mean.

Mac (succumbing): Yes, dear. Shoot.

Voice: How old are you?

Mac: Fifty-six.

Voice: On scale of 1 to 5, where 1 means "good for my age" and 5 means "stunning for any age," how sexy are you?

Mac: A solid 5, baby; a solid 5!

Voice: And finally, can we meet for a drink tonight?

Mac: Sure, but it will have to be after midnight.