If I Posted the Title, You'd Read This One for Sure

A F**kin’ Plea

Here’s a real accomplishment: the fantastic English word “f**k” is to be heard no less than 506 times in the 180-minute-long film, “The Wolf of Wall Street.” That, beloved readers and followers, is apparently some kind of a record.

It averages out to 168.6666 times per hour, which is 2.81111 times per minute, which is a f**k every 21.428571 seconds. When a record is to be broken, Hollywood sure knows how to meet the challenge. I am duly impressed.

Want to know what accomplishing that feels like? Set aside three hours, get a watch with a second hand and then, every 20 seconds or less shout, whisper, or breathe (ah, yes, breathe) “f**k.” Now you’ve broken the record, all by yourself. How does that feel?

In case it is not obvious to you, I am joking. But joking about a very serious matter; namely, that I would like to ask people, starting with my friends, to use the word “f**k” with the respect it deserves, or not to use it at all.

I make this modest request because f**k is a really fine word, one of the most explicit and colorful in the English language. Its two spat consonants and what I’d call guttural vowel make it direct, violent,and seductive. It cuts through all lesser words and kills them. In certain situations, it is the only word that will do the job, whatever the job happens to be. So why waste it with lesser responsibilities?

For example, sometimes people share a Facebook page called, "I F**kin’ Love Science." Why is it called that? What does that mean? Do you have to squeeze in a little f**k get people to read the page, perhaps making science sound cool and hip (are those today’s words for what I mean?) to the young and to those who wish they were young? Would it be so bad simply to “really love science,” or if it’s how you feel, to “adore” science? I don’t get it.

A couple of days ago I got a link to a series of habits and attitudes to which the author intends to say “f**k it" in 2014. There are good ideas in the list, behaviors and practices that probably, in most cases, should be resisted. But why not "just say no" to them, or even shout them down if you must? Do they deserve f**king? Is that the only way to deal with them? Educate me, please.

Okay, so I'm old and have lead a protected life of piety in the church and am easily embarrassed. I’ve never worked on Wall Street or as a stevedore or in the White House. I am not in the mafia, do not live on the western frontier, and don’t do rap or hip hop. I shamefully confess to all those cultural and experiential lacks and more, so dismiss me by calling me old-fashioned, narrow-minded, squeamish, Victorian.

Well, here’s what I think of you…but I’m not offended or threatened by you. You’ve got me wrong, but that’s it. At least for the next 20 seconds.