Surrounded by family?

It’s become the norm for obituaries to report that their subject died (passed, went to Jesus, left this life, etc.) “surrounded by family.” I do not believe we’ve been offered this detail in obituaries until recently, and now it’s everywhere, apparently expected. Who could want otherwise?

“Surrounded by family” creates the image of a crowd of loving people gathered around the bedside of the dying person just at the moment of death.

I frankly doubt that this actually happens as often as it is reported. Maybe it’s a way of saying the person died “surrounded by the love and care and prayers of family,” which could well happen often. But literally…all or most family members crowded around a hospital bed in a tiny room, or gathered in a home all together at just the right moment when death finally comes? How often does that really happen?

Most deaths, even those that are expected, are unpredictable. Based on my experience as a pastor, I would say that much as families may think they should keep watch until an expected death finally occurs, few members of any family have the time or the freedom to wait around day after day, expecting it to happen soon. People have jobs, they have children and families to attend to, they are scattered far and wide geographically, and most of all, they just get exhausted and need to get away to get some sleep. Kind nurses often suggest family members care for themselves by going home and resting. Sadly, that’s sometimes when death happens.

Which can lead to guilt: I was there for days. Why didn’t I stay just a little longer? I feel so guilty about leaving them to die alone. No one needs that.

I wonder, too, if there are not many situations in which the dying person would rather some family members had stayed away. Feigned affection at the end of life is no substitute for the real thing during it. Maybe a sibling who has been hurtful for a lifetime is determined to be there at death, and adds to the hurt. Maybe the dying would just like to rest in peace before they die, not surrounded by a crowd of people who’ve long run out of things to say to one another, much less to the one whose death they are awaiting.

I am not against wanting to be with a loved one at death, and trying to gather family as it approaches. But reality often makes that impossible and perhaps even not desirable. Maybe there are times when just one or two beloved persons, representing all the caring family and friends who made life worth living for the dying one, is all that is needed. “Surrounding the dying” may not be the best thing for everyone in every situation, comforting as it sounds. Why make it seem as if it is?